So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
