My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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