So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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