I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
So here I am, sexting at work.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
