just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize