woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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