I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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