That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
