god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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