Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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