You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
