We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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