Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
