I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
