OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
