he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
