I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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