why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
