Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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