hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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