Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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