Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
