Are we in a gay sports bar?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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