I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
