we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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