I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
