even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
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