so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
