I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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