Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
