Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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