How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Bring me that man meat
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
