we're chasing vodka with high fives
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
