I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
