We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
