She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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