I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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