I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
