What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize