apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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