after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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