I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
