they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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