i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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