I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
