the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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