I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
