Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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