Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
