maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
