At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
