weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
