I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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