A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
