So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
