So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
