I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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