highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
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do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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