38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
